The Prodigal Son's Brother...

One of my biggest insecurities in life is feeling unnoticed, or invisible; and that doesn't come without reason. I used to get marked absent in class when I was there, MULTIPLE times, not just once. People bump into me when they walk, like not just a little nudge but like flat faced into me, as if they didn't even know I was there. And a month in, someone from the internship shook my hand asking me if I just got here.There are a bunch of other examples, but I think you get it. Now, I'm fighting this lie, but the enemy is really hanging on to it, making me feel like that lie is truth because of all the actual physical aspects happening. At this point in my life, I don't really care too much if people notice my existence, I mean of course I do to an extent, who doesn't? But really, all I want is to know that God sees me, that he notices me, and among the 6 billion people on this earth, He cares that I'm alive. Being here a month, I have gotten to hear a bunch of testimonies and see the Lord really encounter people. I see prodigal sons and daughters all over my internship, who never knew God and loved the world, then fell into His arms, or knew him, ran from him and then came running back to His kingdom. Either way, I noticed that the prodigals are really encountering God. Like God is literally pouring His presence onto them. He is definitely pouring out His spirit on me, and I have had a few rad encounters, but I look at those people, and honestly, I get a little jealous. I long for His constant presence, His touch, to feel His love all the time. I'm hungry for Jesus Christ, and more often than not I feel nothing. Which doesn't mean He's doing nothing, I just love feeling Him next to me. Anyways, I realize that I am the prodigal son's brother. I never fell away from God. I became a Christian when I was 5 and Loved Jesus ever since. I never fell into worldly activities, and had to crawl back to the Lord. Of course I'm not perfect, please hear my heart, I just don't identify with those who fell into loving the world and into the sweet embrace of the Father. So for a few nights in a row, I was feeling pretty guilty for feeling that way. And I cried out to the Lord. I told Him that I've always loved Him, and I've never left Him, why do the one's who left, messed around and then finally came back seem to get more of You? (yeah it's stupid thinking I know, but I'm just being raw and honest about my heart.) I kept crying that out to Him. Night after night. Till last night I started reading this book, called Pure Heart. I came to yet another story of the Prodigal son. I almost passed it up cause I read it so many times, but I came to this passage right as I was about to skip the chapter...."The older brother is the last character of the story. He is so blinded by his own good works  and faithfulness that he cannot see that not only is he a son, but that he has a full inheritance waiting for him. He looks on in contempt at the celebration his father throws for his long lost brother, not realizing that though the prodigal received this one fattened calf, the entire herd was his." The Lord broke through my heart, and really spoke to me. First, I was being a tool, but mostly, I need to realize that He's never forgotten me, or gotten used to my praises. He enjoys me so much, and really does delight in me, I just needed to get passed my woes me to realize the entire herd was for me :)